1. "Do you have a heart on?" What I meant to say: "Is there a heart on the schedule?"

2. "I can lift anything if I spread my legs." What I meant to say: "If I base my feet hips' width apart, I can use my legs instead of my back to lift the patient."

3. "Do you mop the floor?" (Well, yeah, for the last 25 years.) What I meant to say: "Did you mop the floor?"

4. "Yes, I'll stay over a little while." (Two hours later ... you're still there.)

5. "When is your baby due?" (Oops. She hasn't been pregnant in five years.)